Enjoy that squished burger, America
By Steve Eaton
Nov. 5, 2008
It’s the day after the presidential election, and I’m guessing a lot of you are seriously bummed.
You warned everyone that if this guy was elected, things were over for the country. Things will go from bad to worse. You’ve lost faith in the American people and can only conclude that they made decisions based on sound bites, bad information, outright lies and what they were told by the incredibly biased and evil press.
Taxes are going to go up. Freedoms will be cut back. Foreign policy blunders are on the horizon, and hot water will no longer be available for showers in the morning.
I’m writing this on Saturday night, and I don’t even know who will win the election. I do know that no matter who wins, a lot of people are going to be grumpy about things and think all is lost.
It’s not so bad for me because I’ve always argued that we would win either way because both Obama and McCain are for America. They both have plans to fix everything.
I do worry about those who are out celebrating now because I think the winning team is about to discover that their candidate is like a deluxe hamburger at your favorite burger outlet. When you go to place your order you make your pick based on pictures of colorful, healthy hamburgers stacked high with flavor and goodness. And then you are always surprised to see the greasy, squishy, slippery, mustardleaking mess they hand you.
I’m thinking that within the next six months our president, despite his best efforts, will be a squished mess. He can be a maverick or walk on water, but he’ll soon be leaking mustard and ketchup, because the other party will be preparing for the next election. If they get a chance, oh, you can be sure they’ll step on the hamburger.
I can already hear the people complaining.
“Just look at this mess. You call this a president? He’s all soggy and he’s loaded with pickles. I hate pickles.”
However, this doesn’t have to be a time of division. We are Americans. Just a few days ago we were united in fear over what the election might bring.
Here’s one way you can do your part to help us all make the transition. If you have something negative to say, please say it, only say it with a deep menacing voice like they use for monster truck rallies and political attack ads.
“You’d said you’d clean up the dishes and you didn’t. Now you want me to believe you’ll clean up your room. I think it’s time to say no. No to years of failed promises.”
You have to make it sound like the fate of the universe is at stake.
“They promised this meeting would be important. They said you had to come. Now you feel like banging your forehead on the table to make them stop talking. When will you learn? When will you learn? Next time vote no to useless meetings.”
If you are going to be negative, it will be especially helpful if you twist the truth or say something that is completely false. Be compassionate and realize that a lot of people are going to be looking for opportunities to be offended. My column will offend people but I’m just one person and, despite what my wife says, I can’t be offensive all the time.
For those of you who have had enough negativity and feel no need to be offended, do something positive and joyful. Eat chocolate. Eat ice cream. Eat pie and cookies. Win or lose, cookies and ice cream are what the American people need right now.
And did you ever think that maybe you should consider not being such a poop head? Maybe everyone besides you isn’t an idiot and maybe this new president will make a difference. Maybe if we back him, he’ll put the country first and bring about real positive change. It could happen. Utah State University won last week and that could be the beginning of a football dynasty.
And if it doesn’t happen, no need to worry. The next campaign should get underway this February. And this time Sarah Palin won’t be the surprise, she’ll be one of the candidates. And while you don’t want to admit it, we need her. Saturday Night Live needs her.
People either love her or love to make fun of her. Just think how interesting it would be if she were running for president. Everyone would be offending and being offended and some would be fearful again. Just like old times.
See, once you think about the possibility of a President Sarah Palin or once you remember the harsh and unfair treatment the media gave her, maybe you won’t feel so bad about who we did elect. Maybe you can just feel good the campaign is over. Go ahead, America, mellow out, just close your eyes and take a big bite of that hamburger.
Just do it before someone steps on it.
Steve Eaton may be reached atstevetrib@yahoo.com.